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With my husband out of town for work and the final Fifty Shades movie in the bag (you can read my thoughts here), I decided to take my inner goddess on a journey she’d never forget: a binge-watch of Jamie Dornan’s movies that don’t have the words “Fifty Shades” in them. Would my inner goddess be furious? Would she do somersaults? Or would she stay buried in some Charles Dickens anthology while keeping one curious eye out for abs?

On Fifty Shades Freed opening weekend, from Friday night to Sunday morning, I watched seven of Jamie’s movies (two were short films) back-to-back, as time, patience, and energy allowed. In retrospect and, despite the fact that Jamie needs some work in the accent department (specifically, any accent other than his own), I wish I had more movies to watch. Not on my watch list: Beyond the Rave, a movie originally released on MySpace and if you want to own the DVD, it’ll cost you $150 on Amazon; Shadows in the Sun, which I skipped because Amazon said there’s a formatting issue with DVD players in the US (Amazon also kept on suggesting a movie with the same name starring Joshua Jackson but, maybe another time); and then there’s Burnt, the Bradley Cooper chef movie. Jamie’s scenes were eventually cut, which is too bad, because as this clip (a DVD extra) reveals, he uses his Belfast accent and it’s just lovely.

With all that in mind, what follows is a field report on my weekend with Jamie.

FRIDAY

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8:49 p.m. After a spicy lamb noodle dinner and some opening ceremony action from the Winter Olympics, I put on Marie Antoinette, a movie I haven’t seen since 2006, the year it was released. I can’t remember if Jamie’s in it for very long; his name doesn’t appear in the opening credits until much later. My inner goddess rolls her eyes and gets ready for bed.

8:52 p.m. Marie Antoinette (Kirsten Dunst) has a pug! Bless you, Sofia Coppola. This is the best movie ever. I immediately text my husband a photo of the flat-nosed angel on our TV. “GREG,” I write, in capital letters. “I FORGOT THERE WAS A PUG IN MARIE ANTOINETTE.” Next, I interrupt my coworker’s Friday night to inform her of this moment. “I’m dying,” I write to my fellow pug lover, texting her the same photo. “His lil bow <3,” she writes back.

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Lil pug with a lil bow.
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9:03 p.m. I’m glad we're in France for this first Jamie movie. Seeing as Ana and Christian honeymoon in Paris and other European cities in Fifty Shades Freed, this seems fitting. Not fitting: how Marie has to leave her pug, Mops, behind because she’s about to marry Louis (Jason Schwartzman) in France. Everything Austrian – her ladies in waiting, her clothes, her pug – must stay in Austria.

9:05 p.m. If you think about it, Marie and Ana Steele are kind of the same when it comes to getting super rich and powerful after marrying a billionaire (or in Marie’s case, a Dauphin). None of the other stuff really applies, though this makes me wonder if Marie and Louis ever did um, butt stuff. Yeah, I’m not going to give this another thought. My inner goddess stomps her feet in protest.

9:47 p.m. I just watched a nice sequence of Marie and her friends trying on clothes, eating cakes, gambling, and drinking champagne while a little black puglet runs at their feet. This movie knows me too well in sharing the life mantra that the best cure for heartbreak and sadness is pugs, followed by alcohol. But mostly pugs. My inner goddess rolls her eyes again.

9:52 p.m. I am deep in the middle of a Google search of cake recipes from The Great British Bake Off when I am interrupted by Jamie, who has finally appeared in the movie even though it’s just about half over. He looks incredibly young and has one, maybe two chin hairs. “Do I know you?” he says in his first line to Marie, before introducing himself as “Count Fersen of the Swedish army.” I’m just going to ignore his ponytail. His uniform also drowns out his face. Other than that, bae is perfect.

10:21 p.m. Jamie has been invited to Marie’s retreat house and he’s not alone. There are other soldiers being celebrated for their great efforts. I just watched a scene where everyone rubbed their champagne glasses to, you know, make interesting noises. Before I can come up with a dirty joke about Jamie rubbing things, I scream at the sight of a young Tom Hardy. He’s one of the soldiers and he looks like a sweet cherub. My inner goddess raises one eyebrow, intrigued.

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Rub, baby, rub.
Columbia Pictures

10:26 p.m. Before Ana, there was Marie. I’m talking about the fact that Jamie and Marie Antoinette just spent all day boning in her bed and on some field. Is it weird that all I care about is how well this sequence is lit?

10:31 p.m. The movie just cut to a majestic shot of Jamie riding a horse on top of a hill of dead bodies while at war. This is nuts. Is he dead? Is Marie (day)dreaming? Will he ever get that mud off his pretty face? My inner goddess officially calls it a night. Do not disturb.

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This horse definitely wants to leave.
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10:49 p.m. Are we supposed to forget the fact that Mops the pug still lives in Austria? In other news, Marie just gave birth to her second child – a son. This must be Jamie’s kid. Oh, right, Jamie: His character never returned to Marie or Versailles — everyone did GTFO just as the French Revolution was inching closer. As the end credits roll, I switch back to regular TV to discover the opening ceremony is still on. Should I start another movie for my marathon? It is a marathon. Or do I watch the rest of the ceremony?

10:55 p.m. I hit the bed like a ton of bricks.

SATURDAY

8 a.m. After a granola and yogurt breakfast Ana Grey would be mostly proud of (I used Icelandic yogurt instead of Greek), I turn to YouTube to find >Nice to Meet You and X-Returns, two short films Jamie would probably like the world to not have access to. Too bad, because they were both incredibly easy to find. They were also both incredibly awful. Unless you’re into bad haircuts, uninspiring dialogue, and a shot of young Jamie awkwardly hiding in a cupboard, do not try this at home. My inner goddess stands there with her arms crossed, waiting for an explanation of why she's up this early on a Saturday.

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8:40 a.m. I make a pot of coffee and start the next film on the list, Racing Hearts, which is also called Flying Home in Belgium, where the film takes place and where the director is from. In the first 20 minutes I learn that Jamie plays someone named Colin, a cutthroat businessman who makes deals on behalf of rich people. One of them is a handsome Sheikh who’s interested in buying a racing pigeon that lives in Belgium. Enter: the gorgeous wide shots of the Belgian countryside and a shot of Colin walking in the rain after his car breaks down on a muddy road. For some reason, he decides on a disguise (“a high school teacher”) and uses a different last name. Jeans is also part of this disguise. My inner goddess cartwheels around the room before wowing the crowd with five consecutive back flips.

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9:18 a.m. He has a love interest named Isabelle, a pretty local; he gets day drunk after playing pool; he loves reminding viewers that he’s American by saying stuff like, “Hey, what’s up?!” and “That’s awesome.” Also of importance: this shower scene I just watched starring Jamie and his back muscles. My inner goddess drops her worn out copy of the Longman Anthology of British Literature: Volume A - The Middle Ages to Restoration and the 18th Century and sits up, all ears.

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Hi, yes, I’m shirtless.
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9:24 a.m. I’m not sure what I did to deserve another shirtless scene, but this is not a complaint. Technically, Colin’s in a bath and his character is engaged in serious thought, but again, no complaints here. Just before this bath scene, I also watched Colin meet Isabelle’s grandfather, who also happens to own the precious pigeon the Sheikh wants to buy. How convenient! In the scene, Jamie holds a different pigeon named Romeo (“I can feel its heart, it’s racing!” he says, reminding me of the movie title) and talks to the creature (“Hey handsome”). He also names a baby pigeon “Speed.” My inner goddess runs to her favorite corner of the room with another anthology in hand.

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Find someone who looks at you the way Jamie looks at this pigeon.
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9:31 a.m. I briefly leave the room to change out of my pajamas, only to return to a KISSING scene between Colin and Isabelle. Sadly, it’s not very steamy. I guess this is what happens when you kiss someone with a BLOODY LIP sustained from a fight at a party. “I haven’t been in a fight since junior high,” Colin says with a bloody lip, reminding me of his character’s American roots. “Your lips are cold,” Isabelle says to him after their smooch fest. Isabelle, you forgot to use the words “taste like blood.”

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9:41 a.m. To remind you how cutthroat and heartless Colin is, the movie just unrolled a tasteless scene of him having sex with a woman (presumably back in America) after the pigeon deal goes through. Yep, he bribed the old man into selling the bird, making Colin the worst person ever. Things are bleak.

9:42 a.m. ALL IS FORGIVEN: I just watched Colin play squash in the cutest tank and shorts. “I came here to get a good game in, alright? Now serve the goddamn ball!” Ooooo he’s angry. Yes, more of this please. The shorts, the angry talk, everything! My inner goddess becomes the first person to execute a quadruple axel at the Winter Olympics.

jamie dornan squash
> Universal | GL Films

10 a.m. I think I know what the movie title is really about: the way my heart raced when I watched him play squash. Meanwhile, after a quick visit with his parents (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays Colin’s dad!) we are back in Belgium, where Colin is asking the Sheikh to go backsies on the pigeon sale. I love that while he’s failing miserably at this, the pigeon is already halfway home from Barcelona, where he was supposed to participate in a race. THIS BIRD IS A GENIUS. Should I get into pigeon racing myself?

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10:08 a.m. The Sheikh just arrived via helicopter to talk to Isabelle and her grandfather. Marry him, Isabelle. Forget about Colin. The Sheikh his more rich and he doesn’t trick old men into giving up their prized pigeons!

10:13 a.m. Somehow, despite all the bad stuff he’s done (the bribery, the lying, the teasing with jeans), Isabelle still wants to be with Colin. To neatly wrap things up, the film goes back and forth between Isabelle’s journey to Colin and the pigeon’s journey back to the grandfather. Is the movie suggesting that Isabelle’s a pigeon? Am I a pigeon?

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11 a.m. Next up: a 2-hour war drama named Anthropoid starring Jamie and Cillian Murphy, who play real-life Czech parachutists Jan and Jozef, respectively, who’ve been assigned to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi in occupied Prague. Immediately, things don’t look good for J&J: Jozef has a bleeding foot sustained from being dropped via parachute. “You’ll need stitches,” says Jamie’s character, who really should’ve been named Captain Obvious. My inner goddess is making annotations in her anthology.

11:14 a.m. J&J are referred to a veterinarian to see about the foot situation. There, they meet a Frenchie who “only barks at Germans” and, according to the vet, when he’s being given a rectal exam. What a good boy. My inner goddess yawns.

12 p.m. Things are moving along with great speed. In the last hour, I’ve seen Jan smell a gun like it was Ana Steele’s underwear, an engagement between Jan and Marie, who works at the home of the family that’s been secretly housing J&J, and Jan struggle to squeeze out a single tear. I’ve also seen J&J locked in a wartime bro embrace after one of them freaks out at the idea that they’re actually about to kill someone. I’d be lying if I said the heavy breathing didn’t make me feel things.

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Help.
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12:10 p.m. The assassination takes place and J&J are getting away on bicycle and foot. Even though a lot of gunfire is happening in the next scene, the sound is drowned out by the pitter patter of the children in the apartment above mine. I’m kidding, they’re practically bowling upstairs. I’ll take pitter patter any day of the week! My inner goddess is browsing for towels on Amazon.

12:30 p.m. J&J have been moved to a safer location, the basement of a church, as Nazi forces begin a citywide manhunt for them. Unfortunately, the family that housed them is affected (the mom dies via cyanide pill and her son gets tortured). I grab my fleece blanket, snuggle into a ball, and prepare for the worst.

12:38 p.m. More gunfire has taken over my living room but once again, it’s drowned out by something else. This time it’s my stomach! I pause for lunch and am haunted by the thought of Christian Grey trying to control my food intake. My inner goddess has cleared out her inbox for the first time in three years.

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1:40 p.m. It’s over. It’s all over and the bad guys won. Damn. On the bright side, I was super impressed with Jamie’s scenes, especially near the end, when, in the chaos of the gunfire and explosions, he managed to pick up and throw away at least two bombs to buy more time for himself and his friends. And he did this all while wearing a baby blue sweater like he was part of the L.L. Bean fall catalog. My inner goddess wakes up in a puddle of her own drool.

jamie dornan
> Netflix

2:15 p.m. I start The Siege of Jadotville, Jamie’s Netflix movie that’s been sitting in my queue since 2016. As my research (Wikipedia) tells me, the film is about a group of Irish soldiers who descend into Jadotville in the Katanga state of Africa on a UN peacekeeping mission during the Cold War. I suddenly feel a wave of guilt as I remember all the times I told my husband, “No thanks,” in response to his request to play the movie. He LOVES historical dramas. In fact, he’s the one who added the movie to the queue! Oh well. Sorry Greg! Love you forever. My inner goddess sticks her tongue out.

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2:26 p.m. There’s no explanation on why Jamie was not included in the montage I just watched of Irish soldiers getting vaccinations on the butt. But I’m happy to report Jamie’s character, Commandment Quinlan, has a mustache and more importantly, he’s speaking in his native Belfast accent. Popsicle!

2:45 p.m. Since arriving in Jadotville, Quinlan and his young army have located a bar, met Guillaume Canet (who plays a French commander) over cognac, and created trenches in case the inevitable happens.

2:55 p.m. The inevitable has happened: the French have arrived with a large group of mercenaries and immediately it’s open season. Everyone is shooting and honestly all I can think about is how hot Quinlan looks running, shouting, shooting, and yes, commanding.

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Jamie’s got a (big) gun.
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3:20 p.m. The gun show (the actual battle between the French and Quinlan’s army, not Jamie’s arms) has stopped and picked up a couple more times. Apparently, out here, “ceasefire” means Stop for like 2 mins and then resume with guns and more soldiers. Though, I must say, Jamie Dornan, actor, has been inspiring to watch. You see, when his accent is not of concern, his acting really shines. It also helps that the dialogue doesn’t make me want to rip my eyes out. My inner goddess slow claps.

3:57 p.m. After another round of gunfire and explosions, Quinlan’s army surrenders to the French and are taken to prison. It’s unfortunate no one suggested using handcuffs on Quinlan as he’s being led to his cell (I’m sorry, this is how my mind works now), but I’m relieved to learn that not a single Irish soldier died during the 5-day siege (in both the film and IRL).

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Views.
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I save the last film for tomorrow and get ready to meet a friend for dinner and drinks. I realize I haven’t been outside in 20 hours and am EXCITED despite the forecast saying heavy rain for the rest of the day. My inner goddess begins her 5-hour salt bath.

SUNDAY

> Summit

9:32 a.m. Before starting The 9th Life of Louis Drax, my final film on this incredible, most rewarding journey, I stare at the description HBOGo has kindly provided about this movie: “An intriguing film packed with suspense and supernatural elements, The Seattle Times described it as ‘a tale full of mystery, treachery and, in the end, a kind of hopefulness.’” I quickly realize this is exactly what the last three days have been like for me. This promising review aside, my friend IMDB gives me more insight: the movie is about a young boy, Louis, who’s had a near fatal fall and is treated by a child psychologist, played by a bearded Jamie Dornan. My inner goddess pours herself a cup of tea.

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9:41 a.m. Ten minutes in, Jamie is giving a TED Talk and signing his bestselling book called… wait for it… COMA. It’s too bad Dr. Pascal’s (that’s his name) speaking with yet another American accent. For the life of me, I cannot take Jamie Dornan seriously when he delivers lines like, “I used to sleep walk as a child” and “I’m a specialist in pediatric coma” while struggling to mask his beautiful Belfast tongue. I may or may not have screamed WHAT? when he said, “We’re not supposed to use the world ‘miracle’ in the medical profession, but this is an exception.”

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What’s better than one Jamie? TWO.
Summit

9:52 a.m. Through flashbacks, we learn that Louis is (1) kind of a brat, (2) was seeing a psychiatrist, played by Oliver Platt, just before his fall, and (3) was pushed by his dad over the cliff, maybe. The film has also graciously provided a close-up of Dr. Pascal’s book, COMA, along with the back cover. Someone please find a high-res version of this, print it, and frame it! My inner goddess turns her back to me and does jumping jacks while casually keeping one eye on the screen.

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The back cover of Coma.
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10 a.m. I can’t seem to be on board with the fact that the young actor playing Louis is not Jacob Tremblay. I am, however, on board with the fact that Aaron Paul is in this film, along with Sarah Gadon, who was a treasure in Alias Grace. They play Louis’ parents.

10:10 a.m. Dr. Pascal looks scrumptious in a doctor’s coat and glasses. Someone give him a lollipop! My inner goddess changes out of her bathrobe and puts on jeans for inspiration.

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Story time.
Summit

10:14 a.m. Terrible lines Pascal has delivered in the last few minutes:

  • "She’s getting eaten alive out there” (you don’t have to guess where my head went)
  • “You caught me hunting for snacks” (is this supposed to be secret sexy talk?)
  • “Sorry, I’m so stupid” (fake news)
  • “I know it’s a sensitive subject, but I’m a good listener.”

    My inner goddess throws up her arms and toys with the idea of bullet journaling.

    10:15 a.m. That last line about being a sensitive subject did not do wonders for me, but it did get Dr. Pascal a full-on make out session outside the hospital. It happened in broad daylight and the best part: the kid, Louis, woke up from his coma just as this was happening and gave them the biggest stink eye of all time! JK, his eye was bloodshot.

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    10:22 a.m. JAMIE IS PLAYING SQUASH AGAIN. I REPEAT, HE IS PLAYING SQUASH. OH MY GOD. THOSE SHORTS. My inner goddess is panting.

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    Help. Part two.
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    Of course, as soon as the movie seems 80 percent more interesting, he voices doubts about his wife (“I don’t think she loves me anymore”). Oh yeah, even though Dr. Pascal is married, he kissed his patient’s mom! The Seattle Times was right about the whole treachery part!

    10:40 a.m. Maybe it’s the dull storyline. Maybe it’s the dryness of my apartment. I cannot get into this movie. I know this because Dr. Pascal just took his clothes off for a sex scene and I was not into it at all. Though, maybe it’s because the sex was with his patient’s mom! On a radiator! At the hospital! Beside the poor kid’s pet hamster named Rasputin III!

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    10:50 a.m. I remind myself this isn’t a prequel to The Shape of Water, despite the overwhelming presence of a blob monster made out of seaweed in this movie. I should have mentioned this earlier, but Louis has been talking to this seaweed man for quite some time. And now, they’re walking into a cave together. Is he dreaming? Is he dying? Have I fallen asleep from pure boredom? My inner goddess wakes up to the sound of her own snoring.

    11:10 a.m. Via a neurological experiment I will never understand, Louis is now speaking through Dr. Pascal and describing exactly what happened that day he fell. If you’ve ever wondered what Jamie Dornan’s baby voice sounds like, watch this part of the movie and this part only. Other than the annoying return of his bad American accent, this scene reveals that the mom did it. The mom did it all!

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    When you get movers but you wanna make sure your plant’s OK
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    11:16 a.m. The movie’s final gasps of air are one shocker after another: Pascal has impregnated his patient’s mom; she’s since been committed to a psych ward; he's leaving his wife and has moved out with his belongings, including a giant plant; and Louis is awake! Welcome back, kid. You missed A LOT. My inner goddess checks into her first-class flight to Paris and vows to never come back again.

    10 Things I Learned From Watching Jamie Dornan Movies:

    1. Jamie Dornan looks good wearing anything, but especially a pair of shorts.

    2. I will never understand squash.

    3. I kind of dig mustaches.

    4. It’s apparently really hard to convince a movie studio to allow your character to speak in an Irish accent.

    5. Shower scenes don't look this good IRL.

    6. Doctors don't look this good IRL.

    7. While my biggest fear is dying in a fire, my second biggest fear is being in a coma, followed by drowning.

    8. Not all child actors look alike.

    9. Cillian Murphy deserves more credit.

    10. My inner goddess is a bitch.

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    Source : http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/movies/a17530596/jamie-dornan-movie-marathon-binge/

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